Don't Just "Lay Down"............................"Standard Up"!

Can women REALLY just keep it physical? Ego and False Bravado fool us into thinking that we can handle being a Good Enough For The Sheets Chick. We try to fool ourselves into thinking that we don't want more than an occasional meeting of the bodies. We try to fool ourselves into thinking that being taking out and treated like a lady isn't all that important. We try to fool ourselves into thinking that commitment isn’t significant. But if you’re getting your hips spread by said person, a commitment should absolutely be important! Why allow someone to indulge in your deliciousness and take of your spirit who isn't emphatic about making you their one and only? Why give someone a pass to indulge in YOUR deliciousness while indulging in "Honey Over There" and "Honey Over There's" deliciousness as well? How belittling! Beautiful women deserve so much more than to be belittled! Where have our standards ran off too? And when in the hell will they be coming back?

After we finish taking simple advice from Ego and False Bravado something eventually happens................Heart and True Emotion stop by to pay a visit--a take your shoes off, put your feet up, would you like something to eat/drink, you can sleep in the guest room during your stay.......... visit! Heart and Emotion shoot it straight! They speak effectively, forcing you to listen. They speak in a variety of ways: whispers, late night tossing and turning, tears. Heart and Emotion are trying to tell you that not loving and respecting your temple (body), dishing out free dibs for a temporary thrill, and not setting high enough standards for yourself is some bull! Steve Harvey told us that men respect standards. They may not like or appreciate standards because setting standards means……. the joy ride is over and it’s time to put some petro back in that tank and hand the keys over! Setting standards means…………. no more FREE room and board: Time to turn off the Play Station (or whatever new technology that’s replaced it), get a job, and help make rent homeboy! So of course he won't like the new standard setting you but he'll have no choice but to respect you! If setting higher standards for yourself--for your body--has him in a tizzy and looking for the nearest exit then he just showed you his @ss. Boy Bye!

Anybody can "lay down" but a woman who knows her worth will have the courage to "standard up".

Beautiful women…………….……..finding their way back.

The Best Thing I Never Had

As I listen to King B's (that would be Beyonce) song The Best Thing I Never Had,I can't help but feel a sincere appreciation for the "sassy", "pick yourself up; dust yourself off", "one clown doesn't stop the show", "I love me more" post break up anthem of the summer! How many of us can make claims to owning the sentiments that the song's feisty one and two liners induce? Lines like "It sucks to be you right now”. Don't we all, at least temporarily, want life without us to suck for those who didn't "keep it one hundred" with us? And while we are secretly wishing a sucky life for those who shall remain nameless, we have to be mindful that most of our energy MUST be devoted into making sure life doesn’t suck for us post break up. Don’t forget to: live, laugh, travel, get together with friends and family, try new things, make your own fun, and most importantly maintain your “hot girl” status.

Then there’s, "I use to want you so bad; I'm so through with that". Haven't we all wanted some person or another so badly, that in our silliness, we thought life couldn't go on without them? Only to learn that life most certainly goes on without them--and not only will life go on but if we allow it to it will proceed in a more peaceful and joyful manner than we ever thought possible. The key is allowing life to do so (keeping what's worth keeping and blowing the rest away with a breath of kindness).

My most favorite line in B's sassy new tune is "thank God I found the good in goodbye". Although goodbyes can be tear jerking and stomach turning, we have to force ourselves to see the good in throwing up voluntary and at times involuntary deuces. The goods in goodbye may include but are not limited to: peace of mind, growth, gained experience, renewed confidence in oneself, learning that you’re stronger than you thought you were, increased opportunity to meet another gent who is more your speed, decreased hours filled with tears, stress, confusion, and over analyzing "don't make a bit of sense" behavior, and increased attention to devote to the more joyful things in life! With all that said…………………time to celebrate being the best thing he’ll never have!

I'm Not Hungry Enough To Eat Bison Droppings!

I went to Ted's Montana Grill with friends one delightful Friday evening. My tab consisted of 2 Huckleberry Margaritas, homemade chips and dip, and…………a BISON BURGER. Yes! I tried a Bison Burger in place of the standard Angus Burger. And to my delight, it was actually pretty good (bison burgers also claim to be much healthier for you than beef so I was a double jackpot winner that night). I ate a very light lunch on Friday knowing I'd be chowing down later that evening. And although I was daring, adventurous, and hungry enough to try something different; daring, adventurous, and hungry enough to devour a Bison Burger that night..........I hope I'm never hungry, desperate, or needy enough to consume Bison Droppings (and of course I don't mean literally)!

' Bison Droppings' , for the sake of this write up, will be used in reference to nonsense; foolishness; "that don't make one ounce of sense"; "something don't sound right", "I must look like a fool to you", gibberish that people will try to feed you and expect you to accept. 'Bison Droppings' include but are not limited to: lies, empty promises, disappearing acts without an ability to account for time, cheating, evasiveness, loving and enjoying your body but neglecting and refusing to appreciate your mind and your spirit, manipulating your emotions purely for personal entertainment and ego boosting, procrastinating on commitments, abuse (both physical and emotional), and taking you for granted.

You deserve to be fed better! We deserve to be fed better! We have to fearlessly and without apologies DEMAND to be fed with higher quality! Higher Quality Cuisine is loaded with honesty, respect, integrity, patience, balance, and love in practice--not just theory. We were not beautifully made and graciously deposited in the land of milk and honey to consume droppings that have fallen out of some creature’s you know what. So the next time you're brought a flashy dinner plate with silver trimming, full of Bison Droppings, garnished with rosemary leaves, you be sure to tell your server, "No thank you; I opt dining on finer cuisine—High Quality Cuisine!”.

You’re a High Quality Chick so it’s ONLY befitting for you to dine on High Quality Cuisine. As for the Bison Droppings………….….let the “desperate”, “low-standard having”, “will eat just about anything” flies dine on that!

Beautiful women………..finding their way back.

My First True Love

When I think of my first true love so many adjectives come to mind: hilarious, loving, caring, chivalrous, charming, selfless, honest, reliable, generous, doting….. supportive. I never had to wonder or question what I meant to my first true love when I was with him. He always made me feel so special, so loved, and so wanted with his sweet words of encouragement and affectionate gestures. I never had to chase my first love for quality time because he was never to busy for me. He'd prepare special dinners (split pea soup and hot dogs--less than gourmet but no less special) for me despite being exhausted from a hard day of work. I never had to wonder if my first true love really loved me for he showed me daily with his actions: always making sure I had a few dollars in my pocket, not allowing anybody to mistreat/disrespect me, being my biggest cheerleader; my biggest fan.

My first true love was so giving and the amazing part about it is he never desired anything in return from me. He was perfectly content with pouring his everything--love, patience, time, care--into me without receiving anything in return. And the sad thing about it is, even if I tried a million times over, I'd never be able to fully reciprocate all that he gave back to him. I feel so blessed to have experienced this type of love; other loves have stepped up to the plate and tried, at best, to match my first true love experience. However, they've all fallen short and in come cases extremely short. Maybe they're right when they say.............".you only get one true love".

My first true love had a way of making others non-factors. He made a little brown girl from the East Side of Buffalo, NY feel like a Princess amongst the royals of royalty. How can this type of love ever be duplicated I wonder? My first true love wasn't just a man…………….he was a champion. My Champion!

Happy Father's Day to my First True Love--my Dad!

Love And Haircuts

As I was sitting in the Hair Cuttery PATIENTLY waiting and waiting and waiting and still waiting to have my hair cut and styled this afternoon, a thought ran across my mind: waiting for a great haircut has to be a lot like waiting for a great love. I was extremely annoyed because I was hoping I could get in and out rather quickly. But just like finding that great love rather quickly, rather easily, nine point five times out of ten won't happen.........I was out of luck. As I waited and started to think (on the surface), 'I should just leave; to hell with this waiting crap', the thought of walking out of The Hair Cuttery and starting my much anticipated “Let’s Get It In” weekend--movies and drinks on the harbor for Ladies' Night on Friday, Cook Out and Surprise Birthday Party (double booked loving it) on Saturday, and Brunch with the ladies at a new restaurant I'm SO looking forward to testing or should I say tasting on Sunday—-with my hair cut and styled JUST right, held me hostage up in there! I exercised patience that I thought I ran out of HOURS ago; I was hopeful that I was making the right decision; I tuned into my intuition which told me "just wait a little longer, and a little longer, and a little longer because it will absolutely be worth it”; I spent money that I've worked extremely hard for to support my dream of having a banging hair cut; I became more and more frustrated by the second but I suppressed those selfish thoughts, once again, in the name of my dream. So as I was sitting there, still waiting for the next available stylist, I couldn't stop thinking that this is EXACTLY how waiting for love--the right love-- must feel. And the truth of the matter is that for 99.9% of us won't find that great love without some patience, without some understanding, without some willingness to compromise, without ignored feelings of wanting to give up, without some feelings of frustration, without using your intuition as a guide, without being selfless at times (we can't be too selfless unless we don't mind becoming empty/hollow shells of people). So with all that said, what keeps us in the Game of Love? The same thing that kept me in that waiting chair much longer than I wanted to be kept……………… Faith! And a desire to not allow our dream---meeting someone amazing; someone who truly adores us; someone who dotes on us and consistently demonstrates his love; someone who is honest and genuine; someone we can connect, grow, and laugh with—dry up like a raisin in the sun.

P.S. My hair looks amazing! It was ABSOLUTELY worth the wait.

Love And Basketball

Basketball happens to be my most favorite sport of all time! I fell in love with the sport shortly after being introduced to it during my high school years. I was a proud ‘Lady Charger’ my entire high school career. In my fantasy, I’d liken myself to D. Wade; in reality……….my skills were (and probably still are) more like the player who comes into the game when his/her team is up by 20 points with approximately 10 seconds left on the game clock. Nonetheless, this sport will always have my heart. And this is probably why I find myself comparing love/relationships to my beloved Basketball.

In the game of Love (and yes Love is absolutely a game; filled with rules, effective plays, ineffective plays, mentor players, fouls, techs, scores, bs calls, fast breaks, weak defense, heartbreak/defeat, victories, over time, clutch shooting, upsets, and more) sometimes we win; sometimes we lose; sometimes we’re traded for a better fit. When we win at Love, it feels great! We give our all; we devote time and dedication; we keep the lines of communication working smoothly with our teammate and more. And as a result, we walk away with the championship trophy and the championship ring—a healthy and happy relationship.

When we lose at Love it sucks (at first)! You give it all you have. You regroup, rearrange, and revise for more effective communication and compromising strategies in an effort to secure more wins. You don’t give up; you are so dedicated to your team; you fight so hard—with your patience, love, and sacrifices—to secure the win. But time is of the essence. And there’s the buzzer, indicating that the game is over and you’ve just loss (communication break down, infidelity, feeling underappreciated, break up. divorce). You’re hurt, disappointed, angry, and even a little (naw…… A LOT) bitter……..because in your opinion, there was absolutely nothing more you could have possibly given or possibly done to change the outcome. The only thing left to do now is wash that funky jersey, use the lessons of this failed season as tools, and start prepping for a more successful season in the future.

Being traded kinda sucks too; but ironically it always works out for the best. You were on a team with a quality player. You were a quality player. But for some odd reason…..your team lacked a cohesiveness needed to make it far in the game. And as a result, you both had to go in different directions. It takes a moment to gel with your new squad but in the end it works out in your favor (think of Miami Heat earlier this season). You’re doing well now; plus there aren’t any ill feelings for your former teammate who happens to be performing much better with his new squad as well.

Love has the same redeeming quality as Basketball. There’s always another game to play; another season to look forward to; another opportunity to try, try, and try again for more successful results. So don’t hang your jerseys up just yet. Keep doing what’s needed—whether that be maintaining, rearranging, team changing, etc. Keep chasing that ring; that championship ring—a happy and healthy relationship.

Beautiful women………………………………….finding their way back!

Keep What Is Worth Keeping And With A Breath Of Kindness,,,,,,,,,Blow The Rest Away!

"Keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."

We seldomly “blow the rest away” and especially with a breath of kindness. Instead, we—and when I say we, I’m referring to any and everyone who has been hurt by love—opt to hold on to past hurts, pressing the replay button so ‘Our Story Of Hurt’ can play over and over and over again in our minds. We allow our past hurts to become our identity; to define us; to cripple us. But………… when I think deeply about it I realize..... I don’t want the actions of someone who suffers from M.A.R( Mind Ain't Right) to define me! Who falls in the M.A.R. category? Anybody who doesn’t have the good sense to treat you; respect you; adore you; and appreciate you like the beautiful woman you were born being (accepting mistreatment makes you a M.A.R. sufferer as well). Yes, your past or present boo may have treated you in a manner that was crap; but that doesn’t make you crap! You may have felt like you were being dragged through slop by the way he treated or tried to treat you; but that doesn’t make you slop! He neglected to put you on a pedestal but that doesn’t mean you’re not pedestal worthy! How others have treated you in the past does not define you. Now how you treat yourself…………….that’s a different story.

Every time your mind takes you back to a past hurt or disappointment press the STOP button; better yet—how about the eject button? Let’s start fresh with a new movie, void of characters of suffer from that Mind Ain’t Right disease.

Beautiful women………………………………….finding their way back!

Are You Investing Your Emotions Wisely?

Here’s the scenario: You’ve been approached with a so called “investment opportunity of a lifetime”. Initially, you are very excited about the potential! You envision yourself reaping the monetary and social benefits of your investment. Your vision includes: a new set of wheels, a sassy-chic wardrobe upgrade, a four bedroom--3 bathroom--finished basement having townhouse, a bank account at least four times the size of your current and just about dehydrated account, weekend getaways with your besties, and more.

So you go for it; you invest a significant portion of your hard earned money. And it was far from easy letting go of your six months worth of rent. But you had a really good feeling about your “investment opportunity of a lifetime” so you threw caution to the wind and put yourself out there—financially. A month passes by and you’re approached again—and not with the good news you were expecting (your investment has doubled in that short period of time) but with “you need to add some more cash to your original investment”. Being that you’re already "invested” you convince yourself to come up off another few thousand dollars. A few months pass by and you’re approached again—and not with the good news you were expecting either. You have not seen or reaped the benefits of your investment. Your faith is dwindling. It’s looking bleak! But yet in still you’re being asked to give MORE!

At this time, you most likely draw the line in the sand and say a variety of things; some of which may sound like this: “hell no”, “I don’t have thousands and thousands of dollars to just keep giving away only to get absolutely nothing in return”, “I work too hard for my money to just give it away”, “you fooled me once; you fooled me twice; but ain’t no way in hell you’re gonna keep playing me for the fool”, “I’m done”. And you mean it! You don’t give another red cent when that fool comes back around asking. On top of that, you’re ready to beat him to a pulp for taking and mishandling your funds and for disrespecting you by approaching you with some nonsense offer in the first place.

Sometimes…………. are relationships are just like bad investments. We invest our time, we invest our love, we invest our loyalty, we invest our money, we just about invest our EVERYTHING waiting and waiting and still waiting for our return--love reciprocated, generosity, honesty, respect, commitment. We continue to invest only to receive heartache, headache, confusion, stress, pain, sleepless nights, irritation, and aggravation in return which ultimately leads to emotional bankruptcy.

Why are we so giving and so willing to sacrifice our own sanity, joy, health, and more? Why don’t we pull out sooner when we can clearly see that our relationships are not nearly as promising as we desperately hoped they’d be? I wonder what it would look like if we started to treat our emotions with the same dignity and respect that we treat our money with?

Beautiful women………………………………….finding their way back!

So……What’s “Boy Bye!” All About Anyway?

It’s sincerely about beautiful women finding their way back. Finding our way back from what? Finding our way back to what? Finding our way back from insecurity that has refused our eyes the honor of seeing our true beauty. Finding our way back from low self-esteem that's denied us privy to fully understanding how special we truly are. Finding our way back from giving others a pass to treat us in a manner that is inferior. Finding our way back from hurt, pain, and disappointment. Finding our way back from being knocked down for the count thanks to a blow, ironically named, “Love”. Finding our way back from seeking outside approval and validation. Finding our way back to being the “Hot Girls” we were born to be! Finding our way back from feeling and behaving as if we’re powerless. Finding our way back from “Timid Lane”, “Weak Street”, “Toleration Court”, and “Low Self-Esteem Having Boulevard”. Finding our way back to strength, grace, confidence, power, sexy, and fearlessness. Finding our way back to loving, adoring, and appreciating ourselves despite our relationship status; professional status; economic status; popularity status; and educational status. Finding our way back to self respect and letting people know with our actions that “…..what you not gone do” (shot out to Tammy from Basketball Wives) is disrespect me! Boy Bye! is about snatching the power we’ve been graced with back and refusing to turn it; hand it; or flip it over.


Boy Bye!

Beautiful women………..finding their way back.

Are You Valid............Yet???

You’re beautiful—so beautiful that foundation, gloss, shadow, and mascara are honored to grace your face and to just be in your mere presence. You’ve managed to delay the signs of aging by keeping yourself fit and healthy. You’re graceful, loving, caring, unique, sassy, intelligent, and so many more wonderful things! Your family adores you and swears that you are the hottest ticket in town! They brag about you tirelessly to family friends, coworkers, neighbors, and to just about anyone who has met the misfortune of being FORCED to listen to your cheerleaders rant and rave about your greatness! Your friends admire you—your strength, your sense of humor, your fashion sense, your loyalty, your dedication, and your ability to make it happen. Your coworkers secretly envy your professional swagger, how gutsy you are, and your “go getter” mentality.

You’re a “hot girl” a “dime plus ninety-nine” a “five star chick” in the eyes and minds of just about everyone around you! There’s just one problem! YOU don’t see it that way. YOU fail to see the beauty that is ALL you. And why is that?? I’ll tell you why...... because some gentleman has yet to cosign on YOUR validation ticket. And as a result, YOU’VE deemed yourself not valid; not worthy; less than. And you are not alone. So many of us—beautiful, intelligent, perfect package women—-have fallen into the trap. The trap of not appreciating ourselves nearly enough; the trap of feeling like we are less than because we’re not “bunned” up; the trap of feeling like we can’t be our best selves; our most beautiful selves unless someone agrees to be involved with or marries us. Chile please (preceded by teeth sucking)! If you’re truly a “hot girl” (which you are) then you’re going to be a “hot girl’ REGARDLESS of who John Hancock’s (cosigns) your validation ticket or not! Your mere existence is more than validation that you are “THAT GIRL”.

So with all that said……enjoy this season! Enjoy your time! Enjoy being you—beyond validated you!

Is It Time To Blow The Whistle?

So......here's the scenario: you've been involved with your guy for quite some time now. Things are miles from "peachy". As a matter of fact, since day one, things regarding your "involvement" couldn't have ever, possibly been described as "peachy", even on a grading curve. Despite the lack of peaches AND cream in your peaches and cream oatmeal relationship, you still made a conscious decision to be a factor in the equation. You still made a conscious decision to allow him to treat you in a manner, for lack of a better word, that sucked! He lied constantly but you stayed with him. He stayed in the streets nightly, despite your ineffective protests, but you stayed with him. He showed you very little, if any, attention, affection, and adoration, despite your begging and pleading for, but yet in still....you stayed. The list of his countless offenses can go on and on. But I'm sure you're catching my drift because we've ALL been at this point. At the point where we know we deserve better but we're too afraid to make one step towards "better". You've adopted the philosophy that having a man who treats me in a lousy manner is better than having no man at all. And as a result, we settle. We settle for sub par treatment even though we know we deserve the royal treatment. The bad news is this: you've allowed somone to treat you like a doormat for far too long. The best news is this: you have the power to snatch your power back at this very second; you have the power to blow the whistle and declare "game over" ("game over" homeboy; you just loss).

So....if you find yourself in the season of needing to snatch back your power; needing to show someone with your actions that you are nobody's doormat, then get snatching! Dare to snatch back your power! Dare to believe that you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect! Dare to set some new standards! Dare to believe that there exists a true gentleman who is willing to truly love and adore you! Dare to be fearless, fine, and fabulous! Dare to say, "Boy Bye! It's my time now"!

Who You Calling A Gold Digger?

In recent conversations with friends, the age old term "gold digger" presented itself. We were discussing the ladies of the TV reality show, Basketball Wives. A male friend--a very vocal and opinionated friend at that--said, in a passionate as well as disgusted manner, that "all those chicks are some gold diggers". Two other female friends cosigned for him on this standpoint.  I, however, couldn't agree nor disagree.  Are these women really "gold diggers"or just women who have preferences and who know what they want? Now I have to pose the question: Does wanting to be with someone who can provide for you in a manner that you prefer make a woman a "gold digger"? I recall my father telling me on numerous ocassions, "you have to pick a man with a job; a man who can provide for his family; you don't need a hobo".  I personally would like to be involved with a man who has a nice sized bank account, who can wine and dine me, who will generously share funds when mine are low, who can take me on all expenses paid trips (as opposed to I pay my half and he pays his half), who, if I decide to throw up the deuces at my job and be a stay at home chick, can afford that.  These are my PREFERENCES (not deal breakers--I understand times are tough now economically for many but PREFERENCES). So......now I'm wondering, based on the definitions provided for what a "gold digger" is (someone who digs for gold; someone who is only with somebody for what they have or what they can do for them, etc.) would I be considered a gold digger on some level? Could we all be considered "gold diggers" on some level? Are we all not with people for what they can do to enhance our lives emotionally, spiritually, and FINANCIALLY? Let's be honest here. Don't or wouldn't we all enjoy the perks of not having to hustle and bustle to rob Paul in order to pay John?

I'd love to hear from you all--your definition of a "gold digger" and your standpoint on the issue. Happy Blogging!

So.....What's YOUR Next Move??

So......here's the scenario.  You've been dating a certain someone for about 3 years and some change.  You can vividly imagine yourself, in your glorious white gown with the lacy trim, walking down that long carpeted aisle to greet your awaiting Mr. Right (or Mr. Perceived Right).  You can see yourself.....NO.....you ACTUALLY see yourself purchasing property with Mr. Right, having babies with Mr. Right, pillow talking nightly with Mr. Right, being the perfect wife for Mr. Right, and more. There is only ONE problem! Mr. Right has made absolutely, positively, no mention of,  no preparations for experiencing life in that manner with YOU! So........what's you next move??